group of smiling girls chilling on the beach

Has selfishness replaced happiness

This week I’ve been scratching my head over whether we should focus on happiness or selfishness. Girlfriends Friendship Party Happiness Summer Concept

Is being happy the key to a rewarding, fantastic life or, should we be more selfish when it comes to thinking of ourselves?

My inbox this week contained some interested subject lines: –

Mindful dailiness

Live a balanced life

Life changing ways to increase your longevity?

5 ways to increase your happiness

How to get the ying and the yang back into your life

What made me think about this was a series of emails from an american lady, extolling the virtues of how to be mindful, live in the now, be aware of what is around you.

Hasn’t all this been done?

I had to look up ‘mindfulness’ to understand its real meaning; the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

I am mindful, aren’t I?

Has selfishness replaced happiness?I do look and observe what’s around me but being mindful is more than that.

We have become obsessed with this ideal of being happy, living in the moment and with so much written about it in the media, is it really selfish to think about ourselves and have some me time.

I am fed up being told that to have a perfect life I must follow a certain doctrine for a better way of life, there isn’t such a thing as a perfect life I am an ordinary mother who works, has two children and a husband.

My life is good in comparison to many and to others not so good.

Social media has changed our lives and many succumb to the negative effects of life comparisons.

I have to admit that when I read someone’s current status I feel envious to the point of being jealous, why aren’t I doing that, why hasn’t that happened to me and I have to kick myself to remember that most of what I read is embellished without all the facts, perhaps their status may not be as wonderful as it seems.

Being nosy and peering through the curtains is a human trait we are fascinated by other people’s lives we can’t help it we like to know what someone else is doing and if they are having more fun than us.

I have fallen foul of ‘what is your current status’ and that’s not good.

“We – a manifesto for women everywhere” arrived on my desk, the latest offering from actress Gillian Anderson and journalistic friend Jennifer Nadal.Death_to_stock_photography_wild_5

In the book the authors’ address the issues women face, and, how we should support each other both professionally and personally, and, face up to the ‘having it all culture’ that we are inextricably linked to.

I confess that I am self-centered and altruistic, because my industry is largely dominated by men.

I recently helped a young woman in her early twenties who had tripped and fallen and, was clearly in pain, I was told to f**k off when I tried to help.

No good deed goes unpunished I thought no wonder we don’t give a shit about anyone but ourselves forget about happiness it’s selfishness.

I find it very difficult to ask for help when things go awry, somewhere in my childhood I was taught self sufficiency and to rely on myself.

In hindsight this is not a good attribute, after all when you offer help or advice by request, we feel good when our endeavours are recognised no matter how small.

Is there more to life than being happy? Should happiness be our sole intent? Is it selfish to focus on ‘me’?

Anxiety and stress are common workplace diseases, I use that word because it affects so many from shopfloor to boardroom level we’ve almost forgotten the experience of fun and happiness, when most of our lives are consumed by a culture that is ‘live to work’ rather than ‘work to live’.

Our culture compares not just our lifestyle but our whole life, the way we live, work and play. It is wholly unrealistic because we are comparing ourselves with an ideal, something that doesn’t exist but we feel under pressure to comment or post statuses that are a fabrication of how we really feel.

Fear prevents you from sharing and vocalising your innermost feelings, fear of being ridiculed, made fun of, the flip side of that is any true expression about how you feel over an event or situation means you are exposing your beliefs and principles which makes us vulnerable to cruel reactions. 

How many times do you read someone’s status only to roll your eyes and shake your head with embarrassment or cringe at the depths to which people are willing to share their issues, it is the cringe factor.

We are competing on unequal terms, all of which is manifested by our imagination.iStock_000016673127Small

You compare someone’s instagram’s status with your own, do they have a better life than you, they seem to be having so much fun.

There is pressure on the pursuit of happiness, we want instant gratification think Amazon, place an order and you can get same day delivery, what we want we get.

We want more possessions to make us feel better and I am guilty of this, a box of stationery delivered at the office sends me into a quiet but frenzied moment of excitement and gratification, invariably, it doesn’t last long and I am left wanting or needing the next thing.

We are not happy with what we have, I am not happy with what I have, but this is a paradox I am happy or rather content.

Happy is a state of the moment, short lived, contentment is long term and gives you that warm huggy feeling that all is well in you and your world.

As Gretchen Rubin wrote; ‘there is the belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is misguided. It’s more selfless to act happy’ (The Happiness Project)

When I feel happy I am inclined to want to help, to advise to do what I can it’s in my nature and when I went to help that young girl who had fallen it was my maternal instinct wanting to make sure she was okay but my actions were rebuked rather than seen as help.

Society tells us that happiness is key to living a fulfilling life, that has to be earned by having a fantastic car, living in a big house, you deserve it only when you’ve contributed or achieved something.

It is our god given right to be happy.

Many of us work longer hours, have less quality time, are insecure in employment is it any wonder that the path to happiness is eluding us and has been replaced with selfishness?

If we are tired, insecure and worried we are more likely to put ourselves first?

We are too busy looking out for ourselves we can’t live in the moment let alone be mindful of our beautiful world we are too knackered living it.

Self help books, self-prioritising, we have become the centre of our own universe social media tells us so.

We live in a world that offers more places, more choices and, more often.

I’m reminded of Pharrell Williams’ Happy song

Clap along if you feel that happiness is the truth

Clap along if you know what happiness means to you

Focussing on ourselves and making sure we are happy not only makes us feel better but will ensure our good vibrations are felt by all around us.

If only we could guarantee sunshine…

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