Tag Archives: Teenagers

Adult Son Moving Out Of Parent's Home

Letter to my eighteen year old son

My darling son

So, here we are, another year, another birthday except this time it is the big 1 8.

It only seemed like yesterday that you came into our world like a ray of sunshine, yet cold and blue having left the warmth and cosiness of the womb in which you grew.

Mom and baby lying in the bed home

For those first few hours I could not keep my eyes off you, a gorgeous bundle of love and fun.

I held you close and vowed that no one or anything would ever hurt you.

The enormity of what I had created, a new life a living breathing person wasn’t lost on me and I knew that becoming a mother is the greatest gift that can be bestowed upon a woman.

On the second day you gave me your first smile I looked lovingly into your brown eyes and I knew there and then there was a connection, you knew I was your mummy and that I was here to love and cherish you.

I loved you beyond the realms of explanation, it was a love that I had never felt for anyone else, completely different to the love and feelings I have for your dad.

From that day forth, my love like a carefully tendered flower has bloomed for you.

As a toddler you delighted in trying out different things and like your mum, you always needed plenty of sleep. You loved your food especially cake and there wasn’t anything you wouldn’t try.

From toddler to young boy you were reserved, shy and reluctant to push yourself forward.

Getting your kids to readYour shyness often held you back from doing the things you wanted to do and it wasn’t until you became a teenager that you began to show your true colours.

There have been difficult times for you and that is part of growing up,  often overlooked and without the recognition you deserve your frustrations would sometimes spill over.

For the past two years you have achieved many successes and proved to the onlookers who doubted you just how good you truly are and that is down to your hard work and commitment.

Despite setbacks, you continued to work hard; to be resilient, and, as a result you have grown into a fine young man, one that I am proud to say is my son.

Intelligent, articulate, strong and feisty, you always want to have the last word and like every teenager you are of course, never wrong!

I have always known that there was a superstar waiting to burst out and you haven’t proved me wrong.

Every parent thinks their kids are the best and I have been guilty of believing that you were better at things than perhaps you really were.

Family happiness! Happy mother tenderly embracing his two sons iBut, because I pushed and encouraged you, you are now strong and more resilient ready to face life’s ups and downs.

You are beginning to find your place in life’s rich tapestry and, as you learn and acquire knowledge coupled with life experience, you will learn to cope with life’s ups and downs because you are ready.

It is important to live by the values, morals and discipline that dad and I have taught you.

That you don’t forget the importance of family, friends and especially your brothers.

Be considerate and always respectful of others, even in the face of hostility, aggression and rejection. To be patient, kind and be civil are important human virtues.

Be mindful of others, always listen and be respectful when someone asks about you.African-American single-parent family

Learn to step back and breathe once in awhile and remember that you only pass this way once.

Make the most of your life by having fun and joy with loved ones and is more important than valueless items.

There will be many temptations along the road, be careful and earnest about the life choices you make.

And so it is my darling son that my job as a mother is almost done.

My heart is slowly breaking as I know that we have reached the end of our journey together for it is hard being a mother and a parent.

We will always be here for you and support you whenever you need us.

But you are a young man and it is time for you to make decisions and choose your own way.

Being a mother is emotionally tough as you watch your son grow and leave the family to form new friendships and relationships and there is the realisation that you are no longer the “one”.

It is incredibly hard to let go because I can see that little blonde haired and brown eyed one year old giggling as he puts a fistful of donald duck cake into his mouth.

The love of a mother runs deep and wide and I would sacrifice my life for you in whatever the circumstances.

One day when you become a father you will understand those words, loving a child is an act of selflessness, our love is infinite.

When all is said and done we can look back with satisfaction, share wonderful and beautiful memories of great times spent together.

We must look forward now with excitement and opportunity, what will your next stage of life look like and what path will you travel along?

I have tried to teach you all that I can to prepare you for this world.

You are a young man, an adult and with that comes great responsibility.

It is your job to set a good example to your brother and to others around you, to prove what we’ve always believed, a strong, caring and wonderful human being.

At times you will feel like the world is enormous and that you’ll never find your own way you will be knocked down, but, you will find the effort to get up and try again, don’t give up even when every sinew in your body screams at you to do so.

Adult Son Moving Out Of Parent's HomeBelieve in yourself as dad and I do, when the world appears dark and lonely and you think you can’t do it have faith, believe, succeed.

That is the wonderful thing about being human, our frailty and fragility also makes us strong and steadfast.

Never be afraid to stand up up for what you believe in and never, ever sacrifice your beliefs and what you hold dear to your heart.

I will always be your most trusted friend, your confidant, the person that will cuddle and love you no matter what age, but mostly I’ll always be your mum.

It has been a privilege raising you, loving you, nurturing you and I’ve loved every single second of every single minute, I am proud to be a mum to such a wonderful and beautiful person as you are.

With much love and honesty, always and forever.

Mum

xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Group of friends playing digital games at home.

The Impetuousness of Youth

The kids of today, want things straight away.

As they rush around, like headless chickens.

Never listening, nor pausing,

To soak in the view.

Decisions, decisive

Yet seemingly

Random.

No knowledge of history, or geography.

Anything in books, or owt that’s old.

Preoccupied only,  by the very, very new.

Like me, when I was young;

Yet was I really All

That bad?

©Paul Butters

Multitasking millennial concept

When I decided on this headline,  I typed into google the

 

‘Impetuousness of Youth’ and up popped this poem.

I couldn’t help think it summed up some of the youth of today and I include my soon to be 18 year old in this group of selfish, spoiled, ambivalent of what is happening around them generation.

A sweeping generalisation? Maybe

There can be no doubting that young people are growing up less prepared for the real world and I can testify to that when, back in October my son and I were doing the University rounds, a father put his arm around his son to comfort him and said, “are you ok son, it’s a lot to take in isn’t it, too much in one day”.

We looked at each other and fell about laughing whilst the hug didn’t go unnoticed to speak to a 17 year old like a child is surely making the path ahead tougher than it needs to be.

It is the parents who need to educate teenagers to life’s ups and downs, teach them resilience with tough love thrown in for good measure, steady the ship when waters are choppy and make sure they can take care of themselves when they leave home, being able to cook, wash, iron and ensure they know how to take care of their own personal hygiene.

My son’s school has decided to give boys in the U6th lessons on the basics of cooking, because many of them simply have no idea how to cook.

Compare that to my generation, by thirteen I was able to cook a sunday lunch, macaroni cheese, casserole, and cakes.

My local state school had home economics in the timetable and girls had a double lesson once a week from the age of 12 – 14 years thereafter you could continue with it to O-level (now GCSE) and the boys got to choose woodwork or metalwork.

We learnt how to sew on buttons and mend basic items of clothing, we even learnt to knit.

Subjects clearly defined by gender.

Why has this generation created more controversy than any other?

They are portrayed as selfish, narcissistic, self absorbed, have an attention span of three minutes and a smartphone permanently affixed to their left hand?

The answer is ‘I don’t know’.

My generation of ‘baby boomers’ have been accused of taking away their future, their access to housing and jobs. But I think it runs deeper than that.

Parents are bringing up young people unprepared for the realities of adulthood, parents, teachers and police lack the discipline and respect once afforded them.

The american author, Rick Johnson in his book; ‘That’s my teenage son’ believes that with more single mothers raising sons, boys are being feminised and are not developing into capable strong male role models.

The absence of a father figure in the household cannot be underestimated, a father who is absent or abandons the family is more likely to produce a son who, will do the same thing.

In the same way a husband who abuses his wife passes on the same legacy to his son, who thinks that that behaviour is the norm.Group of friends playing digital games at home.

Mother face the perennial dilemma of ‘letting go’ of our children I am dumbfounded by stories from well meaning mothers who drive up to university with a month’s supply of food to help their ‘little darlings’ who, are so far from home.

How does this help our children stand up and become adults. I am sure that at some point I, will, do the same thing, I see it as part of the ‘letting go’ process, the part where they are no longer ‘yours’.

They meet new friends and peers, mum has limited influence and is no longer the most important person in her child’s life, a bitter pill especially when you have nurtured them from birth.

It is alright to accept advice from the new found girlfriend or boyfriend but you give them the same advice and are accused of not knowing what you’re talking about.

Has this generation lost its sense of direction? Because parents have done or, are doing too much for them?

With both parents often working long hours to maintain a reasonable level of income it is understandable if when both get in the last thing they want to do is spend quality time with the kids, engaging in conversation when either offspring are in front of the T.V or on their smartphone.

Parents feel guilty for not being able to invest more time with their children and placate them by buying the latest phone or letting them go to that concert they’ve been nagging you about for the last two months.

Children are having their demands met because parents, due to a lack of time and work pressures, give in to keep the peace.

They want it now and they won’t wait for it.

Contrast that to my generation who worked university holidays had saturday jobs and saved to buy our first car. I bought my first car at 22 it was my brother’s ford fiesta.

My eldest son got his first car at 17, we bought him his car and he has agreed to pay for it when he is working.

There were no such expectations when I was 17 and, I never expected my parents to buy a car for me.  

My father got a good deal with the local Ford garage, a customer of his at the time, he helped me get the best option for a small loan to buy the car, but financial help, no way, and, I wouldn’t have even thought to ask.

This generation almost believe they have a sense of entitlement, in a way we never did.

School teachers, priests, the police force and other authoritative figures were revered and respected they had the power to discipline but this has all but been removed.

Children no longer respect authority or rules and this in turn makes them completely unprepared for the realities of adulthood with its boundaries and rules particularly in the workplace. 

Children have more rights than I ever had at school and this leaves adults feeling helpless and unable to discipline their own and other people’s children without fear of reprisal.

Children should be looking forward to a future that holds some certainty and security.

Whilst I use to hate being told, “there’s a time and a place” by my parents that statement holds true. I fully commit to allowing my children to express themselves but with common decency and courtesy.

Children should be able to say what and how they feel, I believe that any government must address this issue of who holds the balance of power in the classroom, teacher or pupil?

Has the balance of power shifted?

What is the answer?

On balance this generation in my view are laid back, technology addicted confident generation.Networking

They are audacious and have more confidence than we ever did, we would stick out a job for at least 18 months because we were ‘told’ leaving sooner didn’t look good on the C.V yet this generation are bold and brassy.

If they don’t like it they say so and they aren’t scared of ditching the job if it doesn’t work out.

I worked with some awful managers and because I was scared of taking a risk and being out of work I stuck it out.

This generation are the opposite they are probably the most educated and diverse generation, they are open to new technologies, ideas and openly express their opinions in ways I never did.

They are the true digital generation, they have grown up with the internet, mobile phones, social media and apps. They can work out a new smartphone in less than the time it takes for you or me to make a cup of tea and they are always seeking answers to questions.

Their experience of the world has been shaped by a digital landscape.

They are not afraid.

Are we missing a trick?

Whilst I read almost daily about this much misunderstood, maligned generation I can’t help think we are missing a trick here?

They are overtly confident bordering on arrogance, they are the sharing generation, they are the forward thinking generation, aspirational beyond what they are probably capable of but they want to contribute now; they want to be seen and heard, they don’t want to wait until they are three rungs up the corporate ladder before their opinion is valued.

They want to share ideas and innovations and they don’t appear to be scared even at the expense of ridiculing themselves.

Should we and employers change how we view them?

UK businesses should be harnessing this mass potential, give them a shot at the big time, allow them to unleash the technology that is second nature to them whilst we are still coming to terms with the power social media, apps and digitisation can have in the business workplace.

BYOD (bring your own device) has largely been promoted by this generation they want the device of their choosing and not one that is provided and because they are mobile they are used to working from anywhere and at anytime, from coffee shop to corporate office.

To dismiss this generation would be foolhardy because they are undoubtedly redefining this century.

We should embrace their knowledge, their attributes and their commitment in expressing ideas and, whilst I roll my eyes when I say this, they will be the future business and government leaders of tomorrow, just maybe, we should be prepared to respect and acknowledge them.

Further Reading

Do our children ever stop needing us?

What no role model? Do children need role models?

What’s your flava? Child favouritism, who do you love more?

Family Walking on Beach

When 4 becomes 3. The empty nest syndrome

I say goodbye to my husband and boys as I leave the beach an hour earlier to get a head start on the packing.
It’s our final few hours of our summer holiday and as I head off on my bike I watch my two boys playing in the sea their shadows silhouetted against the setting sun.

I am choked by the emotion I feel and my tears start to flow, feelings of love, tenderness, loss, at the same time a vice like pain in my chest and a sense of overwhelming inevitability.

What on earth has made me feel like this?

Another school year raced by so quickly it almost left Lewis Hamilton in it’s wake and with a summer holiday over it means another step toward my eldest son leaving home. Group Of Elementary School Pupils Running In Playground

I can’t wait for them to go back to school’, breathed one friend recently and I have to admit there were many times this summer when I uttered the same words.

‘Why is the summer holiday so long?’ another friend remarked, tired with her children always being bored.

I am grateful for the summer holidays, although I still have to work I get time to spend time with the boys without the busy school schedule, school runs and after school activities.

GCSE and A level results are out and many parents including my friends are facing up to the prospect that their 18 year olds will be leaving home.

They are on the precipice of adulthood and it’s the moment every mother dreads, your first born taking the first real adult steps into the world and then they stop needing you.

That long and lingering final hug, the tears and the fears, all the emotions welling up inside.

Last year I wrote about the empty nest syndrome whilst I am three years away from facing that emotional roller coaster ride, I can’t help but feel empathy for parents who are facing up to the reality that their eldest are leaving home.

chipiona beachAs I watch my children play in the sea on the final day of our summer holiday I am sad that their childhood has been stolen from me because the years have passed so quickly.

September sees the start of the GCSE challenge and I am worried that in this important academic year, a year that could change his destiny, it will be my anxiety that will dominate the relationship I have with my son.

All the conversations are likely to focus on what he should be doing, has the homework been done, will the coursework be finished and submitted on time, will the revision and planning be enough, what grades will he eventually get?

I am under no illusion that the year will focus on the end goal, the final results. There will be much to discuss and organise and I fear little time to spend as mother and son.

There are still things left to do that I desperately want my son to see and enjoy; like plan a trip to New York, go to Disneyland in Florida, see a band in concert all before he departs and leaves for good.

All of which cost a small fortune but they are things on my to do list, trips I want to do as a family of four and when I’ve done

it I will feel that I have given my kids a rounded education.

My younger son knows the importance of this year and when I mentioned that his big brother has only three years of school before leaving and then four will become three, I noticed how he bit his lower lip as he fought back tears.

In spite of their arguments I know they do love each other and the dynamic of the whole family will change when the other leaves. It has to and it can’t and won’t feel the same.

This raises a new issue when it comes to holidays. Will my younger son want a friend to come on holiday? How will he feel being on his own when we go away?

There will be an empty chair at the dinner table and an unbearable silence in the house.

This year is important not just because it’s exam year but it is likely to be the last year we spend as a family unit, just the four of us.

When the exams are over he will want to go out with his friends, girlfriends and party and will spend less time with his family. The transition from a teenager to young man will be complete.

Having quality time as a family, sitting down and having meals together will be the special moments to cherish. Family Walking on Beach

I still have things I need to share with him, experiences that might help him later in life like the adult sex talk, the one I remember having countless times with my mum.

And whilst I talk openly about ‘things’ he giggles and says ‘Mum, I’m busy, I know all about it mum’.

I worry that the time will ebb away before we say the things we should have said but didn’t. Will he be ready for his entry into the world as a man to take on life’s challenges?

All of this I see as my job as a parent and mother to impart wisdom and knowledge.

At the same time I’m reassured by friends who tell me ‘they know, you don’t need to worry, they know a lot more than we ever did, and we managed’.

I see our roles changing. I will become less significant in his life, whilst his life and what he does will be even more important to me.

I will still be Mum but, I also want to be his friend, counsellor and confidante. Do I ask him each night how school is and how he feels, does he need help with anything or do I wait for him to come to me?

Should I ask where he is going, what he gets up to, who are his friends and girlfriends and is he really okay? Just so he knows we all care and love him.

As heart breaking as it is, parents raise their children and prepare them to leave the family home. They have to assert their independence and make a life for themselves it is part of growing up.

A baby chick is encouraged to fly by it’s mother and as parents we have to do the same with our children, encourage them to spread their wings and learn to fly and stand on their own two feet.

Although I have three years before my eldest son leaves, I am already experiencing the feelings of the pain and loss associated with empty nest syndrome.

As a mother I never thought it would be so hard and hurt so much as this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

iStock_000009083774Small

I want to leave my family… just for a week

I want to leave my family just for a week.It may sound selfish and probably insane but fifteen years since the birth of my first child and the arrival of my second almost eleven years ago I’m in urgent need of some well-earned ‘me’ time. 

I’ve always been there for my family through thick and thin, good times and bad and I am at the point where I need to re-discover who I am.

I have morfed into a cross between a young looking XX year old mum who is fashion conscious but wondering if she’s beginning to dress like her own mother, to a teenager in Vans and Skinny’s.

I’m not even sure what look I’m trying to cultivate for myself. I’m stuck in no womans land, who am I, what am I, who do I want to be.

It is that feeling you get when you take a deep sigh and harrumph!

What do I mean?

I’ve put my life on hold for my kids and to some extent my husband, for sure I run a business and I contribute to our financial sure footing so it’s not like my whole life revolves around them.

Who am I kidding of course it does. I run errands for them, I take them into school most mornings and I collect them from school (too far to walk and the bus doesn’t go all the way.) And I work in the same town.

You can find me lurking in the school grounds long after parents and children have gone home for a drama rehearsal that is running beyond the finish time of 8:00PM or a swimming competition that is in another town and has overrun by an hour making it 7:30PM before they get back to school.

I rush to school at lunchtime because one of my adolescent’s has left their PE bags in the boot of the car. I spend more time in that school car park than I do in bed with my husband.

Escape and be freeI’m there through sickness and health, tears, tantrums, happiness and laughter. I provide the emotional and physical support, I am the proverbial tower-block for them.

Why do I have this inherent desire to leave, to flee the ship to abscond to escape like a prisoner desperate to see blue skies?

Simple I need to discover me.

You see it got lost somewhere between M for Mummy and CS for cervical smear.

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be me. I lost my identity and myself sometime back in 2003 after my second child. I feel more like a Mum and less of a woman

I love motherhood every moment has been precious to me. I love its daily challenges; why can’t I play with my ipad in bed or why do I need to go to bed so early, my friends are allowed to stay up later on school nights.

The overwhelming feelings of love are inexplicable as is the dislike of their bad behaviour and answering back which at times force me to the whisky bottle.

Yet I absolutely cannot justify booking a week at a spa retreat or on a ‘singleton’ type holiday and leave them just because I’m going through what might seem to be a mid-life crisis.

Certainly doesn’t feel like it to me.

I had a birthday gift given to me in January, one night at a spa retreat, one whole day and night being pampered but I am hesitant to go.

Am I completely insane?

I have guilty feelings for even thinking of leaving our home for one day let alone seven nights.goldfish jumping out of the water

Why?

Because it feels like I am abandoning them. For so long I’ve always put them first, their well being is far more important than mine.

At the same time, I need to get back in touch with the person that is me, the person I was before I got married.

The occasional flirtatious, sexy (my husband’s view), very funny chick that would laugh at the most outrageous things and behave occasionally very badly.

What am I scared of?

That my husband wouldn’t love the real me, the person I use to be when I was his girlfriend, the woman he proposed to?

I can’t have changed that much surely.

Maybe I have. Too many years being a mummy and fitting comfortably into the genre is enough to make anyone question their identity.

Am I having an identity crisis? 

Do I need solitude from the ‘noise’, kids noise, school noise, work noise, world noise?

The idea of decamping from house and home and seeking solace in a place that requires me to be calm and tranquil sounds fabulous.

Away from the daily tasks that have become automated like loading the washing machine, planning dinner for next week, shopping lists, school runs, extra curricular activities that are dropped on me at a moment’s notice and are in my head not in my Filofax.

It’s endless.

familyAm I just tired like every other weary working woman who never gets their allotted amount of sleep and because I yearn for solitude and quiet and not the sound of my brain whirring?

I had no idea that having children and a husband would be so unrelenting and exhausting.

What if they left me instead?

I’ve suggested the idea on numerous occasions ‘go and have a male bonding week’ but it fell on deaf ears. No Mum, we can’t go without you, we can’t leave you, we’re not a family without you were their exclamations.

I’m not convinced their responses were indeed virtuous. Very sweet yes, but more like who is going to cook, wash, make the beds and be the general tidy up person rather than have mum around for the sake of mum.

The idea of being gloriously self-absorbed for a week sounds so delicious.

What would I do with this me time?

Would I do the things I want to do or would I end up by sorting my wardrobes, getting rid of piles of stuff, resolve to tidy the garage.

When really what I should be doing is sitting in a café in London watching the world pass by or sketch and paint, pamper myself at a day spa, sleep or simply lie on crisp white linen sheets looking at the ceiling and thinking of nothing.

There’s the thought of laying in bed all day watching TV or wallow in the bath with a bottle of champagne until I shrivel up.

The thought of not having to justify my actions or explain why I do the things I do would feel great.

Would one week of unadulterated bliss make me truly appreciate what I have the other 51 weeks of the year?

Until next time