My week did not go to plan.
As it was half term week, I had it all mapped out, concert Monday night with my boys, Tuesday train in the gym, Wednesday draw and write all mapped out.
Did I get any of it done?
NO, and not because I am incapable of organising but everything went out of kilter.
Realising I am a self confessed control freak and because I hadn’t planned as I should have done nothing got done.
By the end of week I felt frustrated at not having accomplished anything.
The thing is I can not relax, kick back my heels and watch television without a nagging voice in my brain that says things like, the dryer needs unloading, you need to finish reading that book, phone your mother, email that customer.
I use violent tactics with my family the moment I see socks and pants strewn across my landing and threaten to leave the laundry until it becomes a mountain for all the thanks I get.
I cannot go through a day without a list of things that need to get done it is not in my psyche.
I am incapable of ‘letting go’ of the mundane tasks and allowing myself to chill out instead.
This morning was a classic example we have a two drawer dishwasher the upper had been on wash cycle and the lower was empty.
I came down to a sink full of dirty pots and plates cue ‘me going mental’ but as the kids were still sleeping I stomped around the kitchen bitching, and moaning, why hadn’t anyone bothered to check to see if the lower drawer was empty?
What I should have done is left the whole damn lot and gone back to bed but instead I emptied the top drawer and loaded the lower draw.
What was I thinking?
Am I actually enjoying my life or, am I inflicting a harsh regime on myself that can’t ever be achieved?
It is a need to achieve, not in the success kind of way but the desire to feel like I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day, to justify my existence.
It doesn’t matter if it is cleaning, exercising, working or writing, I need to climb into bed knowing I’ve completed something worthwhile.
What I should do is relax, enjoy life a bit more and let things go occasionally, which, would be far more beneficial than trying to do it all.
A man’s response is to tell us to learn the art of delegation rather than screaming at the family when there are two bags of ironing at the bottom of the stairs; instead of climbing over them, take them upstairs.
A woman’s response: ‘isn’t it obvious what needs to be done, do I really need to write it in great big letters?’
In 2001, I set up my business, post baby 1999, then, I started and completed a business degree, I grew the business to just over £750,000 in less than three years and then had a second baby in 2003.
I look back and wonder how I managed it all?
Women have greater opportunities than our grandmothers ever had – career, educational and spousal choices some of which is causing women more angst, frustration and fear that maybe they aren’t achieving all they had hoped.
I feel guilty if I sit down for five minutes and inevitably it boils down to the work-life balance which in my experience doesn’t exist at all.
Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz in her book ‘Superwoman Syndrome’ first published in 1984 talks about the role of the western woman who works hard to manage multiple roles – worker, mother, wife, homemaker, volunteer and student.
With today’s hectic lifestyle I am one of many women caught up in the superwoman syndrome who are constantly striving to accomplish everything possible whilst not looking after themselves.
Trying to make time for ourselves only serves to make us feel more guilt ridden because we are not making better use of our time.
Self worth is measured by productivity and time; if we aren’t making the best use of our time we feel failures, at least I do, because things aren’t finished.
This adds to the syndrome by making us feel more stressed consequently losing out on the true joys of life.
Do men complain they have too much to do or put themselves through the rigours of self criticism the way we do?
I think not, no, they can watch that game of football, go to the pub and not feel guilty that the lawn hasn’t been mowed or the spare bedroom that was promised to be painted two months ago is still unfinished.
Women carry the burden of expectation by setting impossibly high standards.
By demanding equality and feminism we’ve pushed ourselves to to the point of feeling guilt and failure if we don’t quite measure up to societal pressure that is the perfect woman.
And I blame the media, celebrities and high profile women for making us believe that we can all achieve greatness, we can’t, not all of us are built and made for greatness and yet somehow we end up feeling bad about ourselves.
Women are continually having to prove how good they really are and in the time I have been on this planet that has never changed and, as for women’s equality?
We are still so far removed from ever being equal with our male counterparts that it will probably be another century before women can really stand up and be counted.
Women make the world turn and without us where would men really be?
When they finally see that, only then will equality come to pass but that is down to education.
If we teach our children that women are as great as men from an early age we can hopefully impart equality and change society’s thinking but it’s going to be a long job.
As Alicia Keys so eloquently sings in her song ‘Superwoman”
Everywhere I’m turning,
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I’m searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
State of humanity
I wear it on my shoulder
Gotta find the strength in me.